I had a rough time with the three failed Clomid/IUI cycles we did earlier this summer. I didn’t appreciate until after I started BC for IVF that the Clomid had raised my anxiety level well past anything to which I was accustomed; I know I was stressed out, but (I reasoned) isn’t that a normal part of the process? Wasn’t I supposed to feel that high-strung, with an unusually elevated resting heart rate?
Dude. I did not give myself enough credit. That Clomid experience sucked donkey balls.
During those months, an insightful friend pointed me to the writings of Pema Chodron. I have seized one one quote in particular:
Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found.
Infertility is an annihilation. Actually, it is many annihilations. We experience loss and grief many, many times over, with every failed cycle and miscarriage. Something of what we once were is taken from us.
I wish I could write as articulately as Pema Chodron about embracing fear and uncertainty; then again, she has spent decades studying Buddhist teachings, and I’ve only been at this for a few months now. What I am trying to grasp these days is how to accept the not knowing, and to embrace it.
Her readings brought me some comfort as I struggled to calm down during my Clomid cycles. As we move forward with this IVF cycle, there will be plenty more uncertainty and fear. I hope I can discover some peace amid the not knowing.