It turns out that a cancelled cycle is right on up there with one of the more devastating things to happen with IVF. This is not a competition, and there is no way to rank the horrible feelings that can result from a negative, failure to fertilize, a miscarriage, and so on. This week, however, I learned that there is an upper echelon of terrible feelings, and an unexpectedly cancelled cycle is right on up there.

A cycle cancelled due to poor response is upsetting for several reasons. It means there’s something that much more challenging about your case which makes it that much harder for you to get pregnant. The percentages of those who are ultimately successful shrink. It means waiting to start over. It means higher drug costs.

For me, the worst part (as of today) is the disappointment after having worked so hard to get myself in a healthy place emotionally.

I have about 6 regular readers and several bloggers whom I have been following faithfully. I especially enjoyed reading the blogs of some cycle buddies. Now that I have been unceremoniously booted from my own cycle in a way nobody, including my doctor, expected, it’s hard for me to read these blogs. Don’t get me wrong, ladies: I support you, I hope for the very best. But I will have to catch up with you at some point in the future, when I’ve gotten enough of my breath back to where I can read about your retrievals and transfers without having jealousy choke me. When that happens, I hope I see nothing but positive pregnancy tests from all of you.

In the meantime…

We converted the lost IVF cycle to an IUI. Our doctor said that once or twice each year, an IVF cycle converted to an IUI actually results in a pregnancy. Those are depressing odds, but we went with the IUI option rather than to waste the one egg we were pretty sure I’d get.

I’ll try to keep posting, but given that I’ve landed ungracefully in another two-week wait, which is almost definitely to be followed by the start of a three weeks of birth control and then starting a whole new and more intense drug protocol… I’m going to need to step back for a bit.

Before today, I didn’t know how I was going to start over. Today, it’s still a very sad and frightening situation, but at least I have put one foot in front of the other. We did the IUI; we’ve gotten past a new marker that leads up a little bit closer to the what we desperately want.

Thanks for reading. I hope I can continue on this journey with you.

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