Thank you, everyone, who left such thoughtful and kind comments recently. I was genuinely touched.

I’m slowly coming back to myself… whatever “myself” is.

There’s two directions to follow with that sentence. One at a time.

1. It is possible that I might’ve fallen a little harder and farther than was healthy when we had to cancel the cycle earlier this month. To be honest, I’m not sure about that, just like I’m not sure what “healthy” is for any reaction to any event in this entire IF and IVF journey. Definitely it was devastating, and I’m positive that it was worse because it came as a surprise to everybody. Still, I sank pretty far. I pretty much didn’t eat or sleep for a few days there.

But the human spirit is resilient, even when you don’t want it to be. By the time we did the IUI last weekend, I was at least able to eat most of a meal and sleep for a few hours at a time. Where I work, we get up to six free sessions per year with an on-staff therapist, and I’ve signed up for an appointment this coming week. I’m also going to take a chance on the support group sponsored by my clinic; I’ve never done group therapy at all – heck, I never did any kind of therapy until this IF crap came along – so I’m giving myself permission to hate it and run away if I need to. I might also get a lot out of it; we’ll see.

I’m now eating decently, and the anxiety is letting me sleep until 4:30 a.m. It also became easier to breathe when I got the clinic to give me a hypothetical schedule for our next IVF attempt. Now I can look ahead, and instead of dwelling on what was lost I can work on fostering some hope for the future.

2. They’re having me take supplemental progesterone until I test this coming Friday. I am dutifully taking it and wondering exactly how I’m supposed to realign myself in some sort of healthy direction when I’m taking a drug that’s making me severely pissy, off and on, for the better part of every afternoon.

You want to talk about fluid identity, I mean – Jeepers, Mr. Wilson! It’s like every time I get myself squared away with some kind of functioning approach to life, I start taking a whole new medication which pushes me off-balance, for better or worse. Lupron made me kind of happy, which was swell, but then I went off the Lupron suddenly and I don’t know if the aforementioned mood crash had anything to do with that or not. Still not sure what the Gonal-F did to me, and guess what, assuming (as I am) that Friday’s test will be negative, I get to go back on birth control before starting a whole new regimen with a higher dosage of more drugs. Yippee skippee, can somebody please remind me whether or not it’s normal to go into a sobbing fit when my husband suggests that maybe the backyard wouldn’t look like crap if only we had more money?

(That one might actually be reasonable, because the yard is largely my responsibility but damn it I had a really tough summer and besides this region gets really hot and dry in July and August, so excuse me for some brown grass and overgrown rosemary bushes and for having a heretofore unknown-to-us condition which requires us to spend thousands and thousands of dollars to have a family, if we are lucky.)

Anyway. I don’t know who I am anymore. Kinda sucks.

In the spirit of healing, I have a couple funny stories to share in upcoming posts. I am also collecting a list of small mercies:

  • We have the tentative calendar for the upcoming IVF cycle. Something to aim towards.
  • They’re having me test a day early for the IUI. In reality, I think it’s just so they have one less call to make on a Saturday, but this way it’s one less day before I can get this cycle resolved and move forward.
  • My husband has taken to playing R. Kelly and Barry White love songs really loudly through the wall when I apply the Crinone in the mornings, to make me laugh.

That’s all I got right now, but I’m hoping the list grows.

Onwards and upwards. Thanks again for reading.

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