Last week, I found myself in dire need of distractions. Those are hard to come by in a world so besotted with the idea of pregnancy and childbirth and motherhood. Plus, when you’ve got lack-of-babies on the brain, then even a childless romantic comedy cuts close. Something about the first-come-loves rhyme just knocks me out of the tree, every time.

To that end, I have put together a list of ten movies I could think of that have nothing to do with fertility.

In no particular order:

  1. Clue (1985): A ridiculous and hilarious caper about murder with a superb cast, based on, yes, the classic board game. Also, I would sleep with Madeline Kahn if she were still alive to grace us with her awesomeness.
  2. Zombieland (2009): Nothing like the living dead to take your mind off a nonfunctioning reproductive system. Tallahassee forever, y’all.
  3. Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975): Return to the classics. And who doesn’t love a good comical disembowelment to take your mind off your own troubles? (I’m sensing a theme here.)
  4. Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (2005): Or the 1981 version will also do, in a pinch. Remember how the earth gets destroyed in the beginning of the movie? I find that quite cheerful these days.
  5. Hunt for Red October (1990): The only non-comedy on the list. Yes, the very beginning shows a little girl and a few lines about trying for a second kid, but apart from the brief cameo by Gates McFadden, there are no females in this end-of-Cold-War-era military film. And you know what that means? No pregnancies!
  6. Galaxy Quest (1999): The ridiculous Star Trek spoof. There might be a pregnancy in the movie, I’m not sure, but if there is, it’s interspecies and one of the species is an outer-space alien who laughs like a dying hyena. I can take that.
  7. Red (2010): Another good antidote for reproductive depression is a silly spy film in which almost all main characters are past their prime but still kicking ass. And who doesn’t love Helen Mirren with a machine gun?
  8. Black Dynamite (2009): Slightly more obscure, this one is not for everybody. However, the absurd parody of 1970s blaxploitation films is downright hilarious. In particular, enjoy the suggestions of the title character’s legendary fecundity.
  9. Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure (1989): Thank you, high school losers, for taking us on this brainless adventure through time. It’s about what we need.
  10. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986): I don’t care if you hate sci-fi and you are convinced that watching Star Trek will ruin your chances of ever having sex again. Go watch this movie anyway. The cast of the original Star Trek travel back in time to rescue a pair of blue whales. It’s supremely silly, and at least this time the filmmakers were aware that it was silly and had some fun along the way. Plus, it’s got that classic “There be whales, captain!” line.

That’s all I got. Any other recommendations?

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