Anybody remember that IVF bucket list I posted back at the end of the summer? Before I went down the rabbit hole?

I think I’ve finished everything off.

  • Dye my hair a crazy color. I got a couple black streaks on the underlayer.
  • Eat sushi.
  • Play racquetball.
  • Do a sprint workout.
  • Clean! This! House! And we’ve come full circle to utter chaos again. (In my own defense, we have house guests just now.)
  • Drink a bottle of our wedding wine. Only two left.
  • Cook that recipe with sea scallops that R. hates.
  • Bake that cherry pie crumble dessert that R. loves.
  • Go on some good dates with R.
  • Pierce my nose. I love my nose stud. LOVE IT.
  • Consider a tattoo. Considered. Still considering.
  • Happy hour with the girls from work. 
  • Get together with my non-work girlfriends.
  • Buy shoes. Kenneth Cole Reaction: How I love thee. They are reasonably priced and they always break in to become comfortable shoes.
  • Buy new eyeliner, mascara, lipstick, with a slight palette change. I’ll pick up the mascara shortly, but the lipstick is a shade darker and the eyeliner is more than a nub.
  • Use that vibrator that’s been hiding in my drawer for way too long. 
  • Get into a meditation routine. Doing pretty well. Part of that whole “strive for neutral” thing I’m working on. I try to do it once at the beginning of the day and once at the end.
  • Exercise my ass off.I have fallen off pretty severely, but I did do this back in August/September.
  • Get my body weight into a healthier range.Officially 10 pounds closer to an acceptable BMI.

This bucket list is arguably part of the “bargaining” stage of the five stages of grief. (Or is it six stages? Feels interminable, whatever the number.) “If I do all these things, then I’ll beat this infertility problem!” Right? Whom among us hasn’t felt a certain superstition, like it’s something scientifically unrelated but actually within our control that is preventing pregnancy.

Now that I’ve finished the list, one more barrier between me and acceptance has been removed. I can’t tell you how much I do not want to accept my infertility as unsolvable. I don’t want to be on the other side of this thing. As bad as it is now, I don’t want to reach the end of this road without a live birth.

The bucket list? It’s up to me. The rest is not.