You know what? A few good things happened last week.
I kind of don’t want to talk about them here, because they are both sensitive and quite tentative. But one has to do with money, and another has to do with an extraordinarily generous family member. (They are different things!) There were a few not-so-bad things happening around the edges, too.
The point is, it took me a whole week to piece together that my life wasn’t complete shit for once.
Now, taking a step back, I recognize that I live in a basically stable society and I have enough to eat and I have a fabulous family, so it’s unfair to say that my life was really horrific before this week. But dude: infertility legitimately sucks, and lately I have been feeling like the personal punching bag of the fertility gods. (It would have to be one of the fertility gods represented by the small statue in the office of the first RE with whom we consulted – dark, curvy, nondescript features, and spherical hands made of marble. Wham!)
So here I am, with just a few nice things that have happened that in no way change my diminished ovarian reserve or save me from my upcoming IVF attempt – but it’s been so long since I felt like I was getting any kind of reprieve that I just kind of stared at the wall for an hour or two yesterday, trying to figure out what to do. It’s like when I first moved to a city up north some years ago for work, and the first snowfall happened not long after I arrived. It being the first sight of snow I’d had in about a decade, I stared out the window of my boss’s office in astonishment. “What do I do?!” I demanded of him, my voice a tad shrill.
“I think you just look out the window,” he said.
My acupuncturist suggested yesterday afternoon that perhaps this is a sign that things are turning around for me, and everything really does work out in the end. Balderdash, I say. The world is controlled by chaos.
However, these events do indicate that – just as with that seemingly apocalyptic snowfall years ago – I am ill-equipped for happiness. I don’t trust it, I don’t know what to do with it, and I sure as hell do not know how to drive in the stuff.