Today was the first day of Lupron injections for IVF #2, or IVF #3 if you count the cancelled cycle.
Last time, I shared a few numbers as things went along, but this time, I think I will try to keep those private.
Here’s the thing. I get why bloggers announce their numbers: AMH and FSH scores, follicle count, eggs retrieved/fertilized/transferred/frozen, and so forth. We feel we need to tell somebody, and other IF sufferers basically get what they mean. We can rejoice or comfort. We can also learn from each other.
Now, I’m saying this as someone who freely admits she has problems with jealously and angry feelings. But the numbers can also be hurtful. I have never seen it be intentional, and really it’s the responder who originates these reactions. Still. The other week I read a post from a very nice blogger who was a bit disappointed because she got 13 eggs at retrieval – more than twice my haul.
She has every right to be disappointed, just as I have every right to be disappointed myself – but I also have to remember that there are ladies who would kill to get as many as I had.
What’s more, if you’re anything like me, you can draw too many conclusions from someone else’s numbers. It’s swell that Cheryl the Chicken got 23 eggs at her retrieval two weeks ago, but there are lots of other factors at play here, and falling down the deep well of depression because I don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of ever getting that many is not useful for her, me, or anybody else. After all, Cheryl might not get any chicklets at all from those 23 eggs, because what if only a few fertilize? What if luck simply doesn’t swing her way and nothing is chromosomally normal? One blog post celebrating (or mourning) that blogger’s numbers can be taken to mean too much as it pertains to our own situations.
Again, I’m admitting that this is a personal problem on my part. But, I would imagine that more than a few people out there share this problem.
In response, I am going to try to make my way through this cycle without putting up too many specifics. (I mean, if I get cancelled again, I’ll tell you all about that, but that’s because all bets are off for politeness and self-respect when you’ve gotten to a place like that.) My goal is to write meaningful posts that don’t dwell on the specifics of my case, to prevent or at least forestall the jealous or sad reactions some – not all – readers feel when they see that someone else has a supposedly “better shot” than they do, all based on one factor among many – or the anxiety they might feel when someone with a similar diagnosis has a poor outcome.
I don’t think anybody else should feel compelled to hide their own stats. To each her own. I’m merely bringing this up as food for thought.
And with that, dinner is out of the oven and my husband is wondering why I’m still writing on the computer. Good luck to everybody cycling this month, and please do wish me some luck back. Numbers or not, I could use all the help I can get.